“I loved being married,” says my friend with her eyes closed, recalling a memory from her past. “But, I also love the freedom and independence I’ve found in the last few years since my divorce. I truly found myself again, you know? I lost so much of myself when I was married,” she says thoughtfully, without bitterness. “My husband called most of the shots. Now I know who I am.”  

She expressed these sentiments to me as we celebrated a carefree Sunday afternoon of conversation and that rare, glorious feeling of an obligation-free day. Her conviction reflects the wide range of couples over 50 who are experiencing a rise in divorce rates. This concept is known as the “menodivorce.” (It is also called the “gray divorce” but that feels rather offensive to me. Menodivorce seems more appropriate and descriptive.)

In the last 45 years, the majority of younger married couples have seen the divorce rate fall below 50 percent. According to recent research, the divorce rate has been slowly declining since 1980 in all age groups except for adults ages 50 and over. This age group steadily increased from 1980 to 2008 and has since leveled off. Another study found that the divorce rate among adults ages 50 and older doubled between 1990 and 2010.  

***

Perimenopause: A New Stage of Life

If you follow social media at all, especially Melanie Sanders*, founder of The We Do Not Care Club™ and New York Times bestselling author, you know that many women in perimenopause and menopause share the sentiment of no longer sweating the small stuff, like wearing a bra in public or telling their loved ones exactly how they feel at any given moment (otherwise known as “no longer having a filter”).

To quote Ms. Sanders, the theory is that women in perimenopause, “are putting the world on notice that we simply do not care much anymore” about pleasing other people. As midlife women with hormonal imbalances, we need to take care of ourselves and all the symptoms we’re dealing with at this stage of life, like hot flashes, sleepless nights, and weight gain.  

We’re finally at a point in life where many of us have raised kids, been married, and (to oversimplify) made sure that everyone else in our lives has been taken care of with regard to their needs.  

Now that we’re over 50 and our hormones have begun to fluctuate—and we know that lower estrogen levels are associated with changes in neurotransmitters in our brain, like serotonin and dopamine, which can cause increased anxiety, mood swings, and fatigue—maybe we’ve all just decided we’re not going to put up with the nonsense anymore. Maybe we’re not going to “serve” our husbands/partners/families anymore, and that could potentially (not surprisingly) lead to conflict, and contribute to the rise in menodivorce.

Women, like my friend—an accomplished healthcare professional with grown kids, who was married for more than 20 years—now finds herself loving her new life in the fifty-something single world. She travels whenever she wants and remains connected to her adult children and family, but otherwise “answers to no one” but herself.  

Perhaps the positive side of menopause is that it’s freeing on whatever level you choose. You may choose to no longer wear a bra, or you may choose to no longer have a husband.  

The Communication Factor

Communication during perimenopause and menopause can also contribute to a menodivorce. When a husband doesn’t know how to support his wife, who may be feeling stressed or more emotional about things than when she was younger, it can create tension and feelings of isolation for both partners. This is especially true for many couples who experience a change in their sex life as a result of a woman’s menopause symptoms, like vaginal dryness, which often makes intercourse more painful than pleasurable.  

During midlife, men may also experience problems like erectile dysfunction, lack of energy, loss of muscle tone, and lower libido.  

It's not uncommon for women (and men), feeling frustrated about weight gain or lack of libido, to feel self-conscious about expressing these feelings to each other. It’s also not uncommon for women to feel isolated and undesirable as they navigate perimenopause symptoms on their own.  

It’s safe to assume that if communication was an issue for a married couple before the onset of these life-changing symptoms, they may find these challenges intensified during the menopausal transition and leading toward a menodivorce.  

On the other hand, the old adage, “with age comes wisdom” may also help both women and men feel enlightened about a relationship that no longer serves their needs emotionally, physically, or because they simply grew apart over the years and desire different priorities for the later stage of their lives.  

Whatever the case may be, menodivorce is real, and something to consider if you’re in a marriage and going through perimenopause. If you’re feeling like you and your husband are growing apart largely due to the hormonal life changes you’re experiencing, it may be time to consider addressing the physical root causes of symptoms with personalized bioidentical hormone replacement therapy (BHRT).  

Optimizing your hormones with BHRT may not only help you feel better physically but also give you a clearer perspective of how you feel on an emotional level. This might just make a difference in the long-term decisions you make for your marriage, too.  

_{*After finding success on social media platforms, Ms. Sanders has become a paid sponsor for a large telemedicine practice that focuses on perimenopause and menopause.}