Part of being an adult means we’ve most likely learned the proper etiquette of never asking a woman, “When is your baby due?” Because if the woman is NOT pregnant, we’ve just completely offended her and ruined all chances of further conversation. Open mouth, insert foot.

In that regard, what is proper etiquette when speaking to a woman in perimenopause or menopause? For example, what should you say to a woman who is visibly having a hot flash? Is asking if she’d like a cold towel or a glass of ice water helpful and appropriate? Or is it equivalent to saying, “So, how far along are you?”  

If someone close to you is experiencing perimenopause or menopause, these talking points may improve your relationship and help you better support her transition.

How Not to Talk to a Woman in Menopause

In my research about what not to say to a menopausal woman, or how to talk to a midlife woman, I came across things like, “Communication is key,” and “Ask them how they feel and what they’re going through.”

While I agree that good communication can be beneficial to any relationship, I’m not sure how I feel about someone—especially a MAN—asking me to express my feelings in the middle of a hot flash or a mood swing.  

My first response to that question would be, “REALLY? You want to know what I’m feeling right now? You want to know what I’m going through? Let me tell you ALL about it!”

Hopefully, you see the absurdity of asking a woman to express her feelings at a stressful moment when she’s under the duress of a hot flash. Her heart is racing, her skin is flushing red, and she feels hot and sweaty like she’s in a sauna with all her clothes on. So clearly, it’s a moment when she may have no words to explain this emotional and physical experience.  

Some other things to avoid saying to a woman having a hot flash, night sweats, mood swings, or dealing with low libido and vaginal dryness, include:

• “I’ve been through it. You’ll survive.”

• “Why would you complain about not having periods anymore?”

• “If you’re concerned about gaining weight during menopause, maybe you should exercise more.”

• “Aren’t you too young to have these symptoms?”

• “It’s definitely NOT hot in here. Must be you.”

• “It’s just your hormones. You need to stay positive.”

• “Look on the bright side—you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”

Oh, and this goes without saying, but never use the word “crazy” when expressing your concerns about her behavior.

If a menopausal woman uses humor to make light of her brain fog or other symptoms, that’s fine. But you should never try to pretend it’s funny. Don’t make callous jokes about menopause or make fun of symptoms like brain fog and hot flashes. Insensitive remarks and jokes have occurred too often in our society, showing a sexist and ageist attitude and menopause stigma that devalues midlife women.

Helpful Things to Say to Menopausal Women

Imagine instead, if you find yourself in the company of a perimenopausal or menopausal woman, offering positive suggestions to her about the intense hormonal imbalances she may be experiencing. You could say how important it is to find the right kind of doctor who specializes in hormone therapies.  

You can also let her know that even if you don’t fully understand what she’s going through, you’ll help her figure it out. Maybe you can offer to do some research or take something off her plate so she can rest after a sleepless night, which is another symptom related to hormone changes.  

You could let her know you’re there to listen, turn down the thermostat, or provide emotional support in some other way—whatever she needs at the moment.

Some helpful things to say, include:

• “I empathize with you. Going through a life change isn’t easy.”

• “Have you considered bioidentical hormone replacement therapy? It may help replenish hormones and reduce symptoms.”

• “I know these symptoms make life harder. What can I do to be there for you?”

• “Don’t compare your experience to anyone else’s. Menopause affects everyone differently.”

Also, remember that menopause isn’t just your hormones. It’s about the physical, emotional, and psychological effects that declining hormones create when women transition from childbearing years to their reproductive system shutting down. For many of us, it’s a lot to handle all at once.  

Partners and friends can be supportive during menopause by being kind and patient. With partners, practicing open communication can prevent resentment and build closeness.  

Unlike pregnancy, menopause isn’t a temporary stage in life that quickly comes and goes during a predictable time period. For many women, menopause is a long haul that affects her quality of life; it’s a marathon, not a sprint. And once a woman enters menopause, she’ll be there (and postmenopausal) for the rest of her life.  

It won’t all be miserable, and it won’t all be easy. The good news is that there are ways to get relief from many of the life-disrupting symptoms. And when a woman is surrounded by people who speak to her with compassion and understanding, it can make all the difference.